Retirement, Week 1: Check

So far being "retired" has been extremely busy for us, go figure.  We've been running around like crazy people trying to get situated, preparing for our last pre-Ecuador fundraiser (it was a beautiful event) and checking little trip-planning items off the list.  Nine days to go and I still feel so unprepared.  It also still hasn't sunk in that I will be boarding that plane.  Two things I've noticed that are so out of whack without my normal schedule:  fitness and time with God.  Ironically, those are both things that I thought would be just AWESOME without work. Turns out, I was over confident.  Those are both things that I had a daily routine for, built into my day to day.  But now that my day to day is so open, it seems I have managed to squeeze a lot of other things in before two of my top priorities. Sigh.  Well every day is a new day and a chance to refocus, re-prioritize.  How do I plan to do that? Back at it with exercise, 5 days a week minimum, starting today.  My run a few days ago was way too painful. Not okay.  Most importantly though, how can I make time for God, without it being "scheduled" or "routine"?  This precious time needs to be from my heart, limitless and .  I guess that's where I can start- praying for my heart to be reopened.

Now, our time in Ecuador, month one of our big trip, will consist of:

NOV 1^ST –  Arrive in Quito 

NOV 2^ND – Travel to the Quininde.  Visit families in Cupa Community. Stay with Maria, Carrie's contact. 

NOV 3^RD – Visit all families that have water filters.  Do analysis check up.  Afternoon – Head to the beach. Stay the night at hostel at the beach.

NOV 4^TH - BEACH DAY – Head back to Cupa and stay with Maria extra night.

NOV 5^TH - TRAVEL BACK TO QUITO. 

NOV 6^TH – NOV 16^TH - Start work with Map International.  Matt will be teaching staff along with all of us how to use the GPS and mapping system.  The filters that we install in each home will be tracked with this system in the community.  As a group we will teach and set up filters in the village most in need of clean water.  Take pictures, videos and interviews while in the field. 35 filters

NOV 7^TH – 8^TH - Workshop with MAP team about the GPS equipment.

NOV 9^th – Meeting with the Field team with MAP to explain how MAP works in the community, and how the filters are implemented within a model of holistic health.

NOV 10^TH – OPRHANAGE DAY WITH KIDDOS – Check on filter. Give kids shoes and clothes. Take kids for a little hike and buy them all ice cream.

NOV 11^TH – DAY TRIP TO MINDO 

NOV 12^TH – 8am Travel to Santo Domingo to implement the filters. 

NOV 13^TH – 8:00 – 12:00 Implement the filters into the communities

NOV 14^TH – 8:30am – Evaluation meeting on the implementation of the 35 filters with Map team and health promoters.

NOV 15^TH – Return to Quito with Maggie from Map office. 

NOV 17^TH DAY IN QUITO, RE VISIT ORPHANAGE,  MARKET DAY. PICK UP IN THE AFTERNOON FOR TRAVELING TO MACHACHI

NOV. 18^TH – 21^ST WORKING IN MACHACHI –  Partnering with Martha Estrella Foundation - Implement school water project.  Filters in each class room for the kids to have clean water and filter water to bring home to their families. Do analysis on each child at school.  10 filters

NOV. 22^ND Carrie Beth leaves and we head to the Galapagos Islands to relax for the remainder of our time in South America.

Last Day.

The day is finally here!! I cannot believe it is actually happening.....Matt and I are both leaving our jobs behind, and today is our last day at work.  Pinch me!!!

Coming to my desk and seeing flowers, cards, and a bottle of champagne is an awesome way to start my day with a reminder that there was a great purpose for me here- relationships that have impacted me in wonderful ways and that will stay with me for a lifetime.  While the job itself has been less than fulfilling in the worldly sense, here I have made some of my closest friends, got to see my best friend every day and shared the word of God with people I never expected to.  For that reason, I am a little sad about my last day, because I know what a blessing it is that I come to work with so many people who mean a lot to me. 

So, what's next??  In 20 days, we board an airplane to Quito, Ecuador to meet Carrie and all of us will be taking water filters with us.  For three weeks we will travel around the country visiting different people and groups to bring them water filters to allow them clean and safe water, and we'll also spend time with adorable kiddos at an orphanage.  What else does it take to do something like this? For us, being homeless!! We are getting rid of what we can live without, packing up the rest, and moving out of our home this weekend.  Our sweet little cat, Jack, will be in the loving care of my dear friend, but we are going to miss him so much!! We'll crash at my mom's house while we gather up our gear and get all of our ducks in a row to take off on the first part of this adventure!!  Stay tuned!

Run or Fight?

The sermon I attended last weekend spoke a really strong message to me, and it was about grief and repentance.   2 Corinthians 6: 8-11 says,


“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it.  Though I did regret it- I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- yet now, I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 

So eye opening.  We all hear about repenting and we think, “Okay, I need to be sorry. I need to ask for forgiveness…” Yes, and no.  Yes because that’s part of it, but no because that’s not all.  You can say sorry a million times and keep going back to destructive behavior.

Our pastor talked about how in life, we are usually taught that in the face of adversity, we do one of two things: run or fight.   We often do this with God….we get upset or scared and we turn our backs to him.  But God gives us another option, to repent.   He asks for change- but in the form of turning from our sins, not just saying we are sorry for them, or for the consequences of them, or for the bad feelings they cause….but because they are wrong.  Whatever you sin may be…..do you turn angry when you’re hurt? Do you lie when you don’t have the courage to be honest?  Do you point the finger at others instead of taking accountability for yourself?  Or maybe you turn to substance.  Or sex... In your sorrow, turn from those things and instead turn to God.  Turn to God, ask for forgiveness, and lean on HIM for that comfort, instead of that THING.  The verse above tells us, grieve your sin, and He will be with you. .  Notice that it doesn’t say, grieve your sin, and fix yourself.  He will show you the way

This made me ask myself how I ask for forgiveness.  Is it genuine? Is it because I know what I do is wrong, or is it because I am tired of the consequences instead of the sin itself?  Do I just say sorry but not truly seek God to change my ways instead of continuing to the alternatives? 

Thankful for this time to reevaluate.  

Whirlwind.

Emotional. Overload.

That is my current state.  In good ways, in less comfortable ways.....This is becoming so REAL.  In 52 days we will be on a flight to Ecuador.  And we will leave our home, our jobs, our "stuff", our friends and our families behind....WHAT?

Over the past few days the realization of how blessed I am with incredible people in my life sank in.  After so many years of lacking in this area, I am surrounded with amazing friends who are not only there for me, but love me for who I am and inspire me regularly- I mean REALLY inspire me.  I am blessed with an extremely secure job at the investment office but even more so at the gym where I am allowed to be a part of the lives of some of the most beautiful women on Earth (of that I am convinced).  Our family is here...The list goes on.

Matt and I live a very comfortable life with more than we need and have been able to do some incredible things with the blessings we've been provided.  And we are leaving it behind.  Yeah, it may be temporary, but maybe not.....and I can't help but feel afraid that I will be missing out on so much...that people will move on and forget me...that we will isolate ourselves....

And then there are days like today, which I've spent most of in front of the computer while sipping on coffee and researching the places we will be exploring. Reaching out for sponsors for the water filters that we will be delivering first hand to people who will be so thankful for something I take for granted regularly.    Deciding between a getaway on the Galapagos Islands or beaches of Peru or Costa Rica....narrowing down apartments in Munich and Berlin where we will be for the holidays....realizing that by the age of 28, we will have seen SO MUCH of the world! I want to meet people who live a completely different life than me but who I'll connect with as a human. I want to immerse myself into cultures which make me feel exhilaratingly out of my comfort zone and better for it.  I want to eat authentic cuisine, walk hundred of foreign miles, stand in places where history was made.... Be free of "stuff" and rich with experience and growth...trust and patience....

Joshua 1:9 reminds me:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Trust.

At Sunday’s sermon, Pastor MacDiarmid said something that really resonated with me.


He was about to sing a song written by a Kendall Payne ("Pray") who heard a man’s account of meeting Mother Theresa. This man had decided that he wanted to dedicate his life to serving others, like she had. He just didn’t’ know what he was supposed to do. So he was able to meet Mother Theresa, and he said to her, “Mother Theresa, will you pray for me?”. She said, “Of course, what do you want me to pray for?” and he told her the he needs to know what to do with his desire to help others. He asked her, “Can you please pray that God bring me clarity?” . She said, “No, I can’t pray for that” . He was upset and shocked, that after he finally got to meet this remarkable woman, she was turning down the one thing he wanted from her.

When he asked her why, she said, “In all my days of doing this, I’ve never once had a day of clarity. All I’ve had is trust.”

I thought this was just so amazing!! I’ve definitely thought about this in different contexts before, but it really hit me this time. I realize that often, He does in fact provide us an answer, but we still want “clarity” and that is because we are not really trusting what He is showing us or telling us to do…maybe because it’s not what we want, or we think it’s too hard…and we want a different answer. Sometimes deep down inside, we know exactly what He is telling us to do, but our own feelings about it lead us to ignore Him. Asking for clarity is often just our way of asking for what we really want. But what we should seek to do is TRUST in Him…all the time.  If we wait for clarity all the time, can you imagine how much time we'd spend being stagnant??

Start today.

The power of writing...........I think Anna Nalick wrote it well in her song, Breathe, when she said:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

The older I get, the more I see the value in having a release. And honestly, not just one...but different forms.  For me, I have many: exercise, talking to my friends, reading, praying and most recently- writing.   I've blogged about this before, but so often we try to go through life and figure things out by ourselves, all alone.  And the older I get I also am understanding how silly of a concept this can be- is it our pride that thinks that we who got ourselves into the messes we find ourselves in are the same ones who can find ourselves out? Maybe sometimes.  But I seriously think that more often than not, we cheat ourselves when we do it that way!

Part of the beauty of being human is the relationships and common experiences that we can share with each other and grow with each other through.  I thank GOD for my friends who when even if I think there's no way on Earth anyone can possibly understand me, can listen to me spill my heart out and say "I UNDERSTAND".  How much better those words can make us feel. Fellowship has a purpose.  Exercise let's us release the chemicals our bodies and minds need to properly function.  Reading let's us find refuge in someone else's words that so often seem as if they are our own, or offer a new perspective.  And writing....this one for me takes the most effort.  For me it serves several purposes.  It helps me to process my thoughts better than if they are left jumbled up in my head. And sometimes, it's my way to pray!  Sometimes I just can't find the words...or my mind is too distracted and I'll literally just go off on a completely irrelevant tangent and interrupt my prayer.  But when I write it down, it's like I'm writing to Him...and also openly sending a message to the one who is trying to bring me down. Yes, I realize that sounds extreme, but that's just how I believe it is.  When we get it all out, I think there is such an opportunity for healing. 

Please keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry, that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul...
And if, for whatever reason, you’ve stopped– stopped believing in your voice, stopped fighting to find the time–start today.

- Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines

This is my story.

I spent majority of my life up until a few years ago finding ways to disprove that God existed, trying to apply logic to the whole concept. People do this all the time. Questions…why would so many bad things happen if God was real? Why can’t I just live my life trying to be a good person? There are so many “religious” people who are terrible…etc. etc. I still don’t understand those things. But here’s the catch- I don’t think anyone will ever understand those things. Here’s what I do understand and it came to me one day, at my lowest of all lows, when I was sobbing at home by myself, for the zillionth day in a row. I was lost, confused, alone, burdened, ashamed…so many things and I couldn’t find a way out of the dark. And there, on my knees, I suddenly realized there was no way to look but up. All of a sudden, I yearned to know Jesus, my savior, and feel His love. I knew it’s what I needed. I knew He was going to be right there, where he’d always been, patiently waiting for me to open my arms to Him. I will never forget that day. It saved me.

Now, while I still can’t understand the concept of our Creator (logically speaking), I also can’t fathom the concept of NO creator at all. What else would be our purpose of living?? Why else do we inherently seek love and good things? How else can you explain the way some things work out so incredibly beautifully? Science is amazing and yet it all has to start somewhere too, doesn’t it? Knowing my own weakness, how else can I explain finding the will to go on during times where there’s no way I can rely on myself?

One of the main changes that has occurred in my life since coming to faith has been the way I deal with hardship. It’s so much more unbearable trying to go through things on your own, trying to find a solution, trying to find a way out. But we are so flawed- it’s true- and our knowledge is so limited. Now, I know that as long as I look to God, as long as I seek Him and TRUST Him- I will get through it. He will shine His light upon me and show me the way. Brit Nicole has a song with lyrics that really resonate with me. It’s called All This Time:

I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
It's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And I saw the proof I need
I felt Love I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

You've been walkin with me all this time