Control.

Sent this e-mail today and felt it may be appropriate to share on the blog.

I have to admit, that since I left PERS and my daily routine, I've really fallen out of sync with God.  I've tried to figure this out and I think part of is it just that in all of the running around, I've been left feeling tired and pushed God off of my priority list. But also, it's been a huge time of change for me...and I think like most people, change leaves me feeling more vulnerable than I realize.  And in times of vulnerability, we can and should turn to God, but I think my underlying fear is actually causing me to push away.  I had this realization today and I am trying to move past it.   One thing I know I need for my spiritual well-being is in my relationships. Fellowship is so powerful for me, so I ask this of you- my friends and family in Christ, that you continue to share in this walk with me. I would love to keep the fellowship going, no matter where on this Earth I may be.  

Isaiah 31:18

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;

he rises to show you compassion.

For the Lord is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!"

What does this say to me? A few things, but what is screaming at me right now is to let go of my need to be in control.  My lack of control over my life right now, in the way that I am used to at least (a set schedule, time for my routines, set hours...etc.) has me feeling a bit overwhelmed.  But you know what? I never had that control in the first place.  I know that.  But I suppose when my normal is all of a sudden gone....I've found myself in a place where I lack the spirituality that I need.  I think my attachment to that perceived control has led me to this place where I feel spiritually burnt out all of a sudden but maybe a different way to look at it is that it's a wake up call.  I need to lay aside my endless efforts and busy care and allow HIM to act.  Salvation comes from God and God alone.   We can trust him and be in peace, be confident, that HE will give us strength to face our challenges. 

Retirement, Week 1: Check

So far being "retired" has been extremely busy for us, go figure.  We've been running around like crazy people trying to get situated, preparing for our last pre-Ecuador fundraiser (it was a beautiful event) and checking little trip-planning items off the list.  Nine days to go and I still feel so unprepared.  It also still hasn't sunk in that I will be boarding that plane.  Two things I've noticed that are so out of whack without my normal schedule:  fitness and time with God.  Ironically, those are both things that I thought would be just AWESOME without work. Turns out, I was over confident.  Those are both things that I had a daily routine for, built into my day to day.  But now that my day to day is so open, it seems I have managed to squeeze a lot of other things in before two of my top priorities. Sigh.  Well every day is a new day and a chance to refocus, re-prioritize.  How do I plan to do that? Back at it with exercise, 5 days a week minimum, starting today.  My run a few days ago was way too painful. Not okay.  Most importantly though, how can I make time for God, without it being "scheduled" or "routine"?  This precious time needs to be from my heart, limitless and .  I guess that's where I can start- praying for my heart to be reopened.

Now, our time in Ecuador, month one of our big trip, will consist of:

NOV 1^ST –  Arrive in Quito 

NOV 2^ND – Travel to the Quininde.  Visit families in Cupa Community. Stay with Maria, Carrie's contact. 

NOV 3^RD – Visit all families that have water filters.  Do analysis check up.  Afternoon – Head to the beach. Stay the night at hostel at the beach.

NOV 4^TH - BEACH DAY – Head back to Cupa and stay with Maria extra night.

NOV 5^TH - TRAVEL BACK TO QUITO. 

NOV 6^TH – NOV 16^TH - Start work with Map International.  Matt will be teaching staff along with all of us how to use the GPS and mapping system.  The filters that we install in each home will be tracked with this system in the community.  As a group we will teach and set up filters in the village most in need of clean water.  Take pictures, videos and interviews while in the field. 35 filters

NOV 7^TH – 8^TH - Workshop with MAP team about the GPS equipment.

NOV 9^th – Meeting with the Field team with MAP to explain how MAP works in the community, and how the filters are implemented within a model of holistic health.

NOV 10^TH – OPRHANAGE DAY WITH KIDDOS – Check on filter. Give kids shoes and clothes. Take kids for a little hike and buy them all ice cream.

NOV 11^TH – DAY TRIP TO MINDO 

NOV 12^TH – 8am Travel to Santo Domingo to implement the filters. 

NOV 13^TH – 8:00 – 12:00 Implement the filters into the communities

NOV 14^TH – 8:30am – Evaluation meeting on the implementation of the 35 filters with Map team and health promoters.

NOV 15^TH – Return to Quito with Maggie from Map office. 

NOV 17^TH DAY IN QUITO, RE VISIT ORPHANAGE,  MARKET DAY. PICK UP IN THE AFTERNOON FOR TRAVELING TO MACHACHI

NOV. 18^TH – 21^ST WORKING IN MACHACHI –  Partnering with Martha Estrella Foundation - Implement school water project.  Filters in each class room for the kids to have clean water and filter water to bring home to their families. Do analysis on each child at school.  10 filters

NOV. 22^ND Carrie Beth leaves and we head to the Galapagos Islands to relax for the remainder of our time in South America.

Last Day.

The day is finally here!! I cannot believe it is actually happening.....Matt and I are both leaving our jobs behind, and today is our last day at work.  Pinch me!!!

Coming to my desk and seeing flowers, cards, and a bottle of champagne is an awesome way to start my day with a reminder that there was a great purpose for me here- relationships that have impacted me in wonderful ways and that will stay with me for a lifetime.  While the job itself has been less than fulfilling in the worldly sense, here I have made some of my closest friends, got to see my best friend every day and shared the word of God with people I never expected to.  For that reason, I am a little sad about my last day, because I know what a blessing it is that I come to work with so many people who mean a lot to me. 

So, what's next??  In 20 days, we board an airplane to Quito, Ecuador to meet Carrie and all of us will be taking water filters with us.  For three weeks we will travel around the country visiting different people and groups to bring them water filters to allow them clean and safe water, and we'll also spend time with adorable kiddos at an orphanage.  What else does it take to do something like this? For us, being homeless!! We are getting rid of what we can live without, packing up the rest, and moving out of our home this weekend.  Our sweet little cat, Jack, will be in the loving care of my dear friend, but we are going to miss him so much!! We'll crash at my mom's house while we gather up our gear and get all of our ducks in a row to take off on the first part of this adventure!!  Stay tuned!

Run or Fight?

The sermon I attended last weekend spoke a really strong message to me, and it was about grief and repentance.   2 Corinthians 6: 8-11 says,


“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it.  Though I did regret it- I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- yet now, I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 

So eye opening.  We all hear about repenting and we think, “Okay, I need to be sorry. I need to ask for forgiveness…” Yes, and no.  Yes because that’s part of it, but no because that’s not all.  You can say sorry a million times and keep going back to destructive behavior.

Our pastor talked about how in life, we are usually taught that in the face of adversity, we do one of two things: run or fight.   We often do this with God….we get upset or scared and we turn our backs to him.  But God gives us another option, to repent.   He asks for change- but in the form of turning from our sins, not just saying we are sorry for them, or for the consequences of them, or for the bad feelings they cause….but because they are wrong.  Whatever you sin may be…..do you turn angry when you’re hurt? Do you lie when you don’t have the courage to be honest?  Do you point the finger at others instead of taking accountability for yourself?  Or maybe you turn to substance.  Or sex... In your sorrow, turn from those things and instead turn to God.  Turn to God, ask for forgiveness, and lean on HIM for that comfort, instead of that THING.  The verse above tells us, grieve your sin, and He will be with you. .  Notice that it doesn’t say, grieve your sin, and fix yourself.  He will show you the way

This made me ask myself how I ask for forgiveness.  Is it genuine? Is it because I know what I do is wrong, or is it because I am tired of the consequences instead of the sin itself?  Do I just say sorry but not truly seek God to change my ways instead of continuing to the alternatives? 

Thankful for this time to reevaluate.