To be honest- I'm at work, in a major funk. Yesterday, I turned 31 (gasp). I have the most perfect 6 month old baby girl, who has made my life so much more meaningful. So it sounds strange to say that the thing that is the greatest joy of my life, is also leading me to this current life crisis. I started back at work part time at the beginning of this month. At the risk of sounding ungrateful and spoiled, I hate it. Not that I want to spend every waking moment with my daughter (ALMOST), I miss her. I feel like I should be with my little baby girl, like I want to be with her. I find my work so uninspiring, so futile and I am wondering why this is worth it. Yes, I get a good wage. Yes, I have a great benefits package. But....something just doesn't feel right. I'm here questioning what I'm doing with my life, yet again, and I feel stumped.
My view of women has completely changed since becoming pregnant. I am amazed at the capabilities of our bodies. From housing another human life, to delivering that human, to feeding that human, to surviving off of minimal (I mean MINIMAL) sleep while still caring for said human...it's insanity, really. So I got in my groove after a few months, and then bam- I had to go back to work. I come to work on minimal sleep. I have to pump 3x at work. I go home and take care of baby with my husband, we manage to feed ourselves, and we clonk out in mutual exhaustion. I am incredibly blessed to have a partner who I have a true partnership with. I cannot imagine how I would manage the madness without him.
How do woman do it? I want to be home with my kid(s) during the formative years. That's a long time. I want to take care of myself- exercise, eat healthy. I want to take care of my marriage. I am searching for the answer. I want to not be running on empty as my life passes me by. I know I'm in the thick of it right now. I know that I will be saying "this is a phase" over and over again for the next few years. But I also know that going back to the same old daily grind is not how I want my life to look.
Now, more than ever, I want find a way to make a living that allows me more time with my family. It saddens me that as an educated and experienced professional, it seems my only option is to either continue working and sacrifice that time, or to find part-time work making less than what I made in college. Alas, here I am. But I'm determined to find a way. No clue how yet, but determined nonetheless.
